


pasta castle nightmare

by lonzha572



Category: Food Fantasy (Video Game)
Genre: All dead memes are lolicons, Crack, Genderbending, I guess oyster is a Loli now, Mommy Issues, Multi, Serious, black pudding is a criminal, honk honk problematic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-19
Updated: 2019-11-07
Packaged: 2020-12-24 07:44:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21095903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lonzha572/pseuds/lonzha572
Summary: Held of pastaHalf going to be serious half going to be crackThe pasta platoon genderbend AU absolutely no one asked for





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The serious parts are not going to be problematic, but the crack parts are a little

** _Prologue_ **

Sometimes a family can be a noodle, a soup, and a seafood.

Oyster: Hi daddy

_ Pretzel heard this from 10 miles away _

Spaghetti: be nice you bad kid you are now grounded I'm going to send you on a death mission UwU

Borscht: you heard NOTHING

_ Oyster leaves _

Borscht: we need to work on your communication issues, you need to start using punctuation

Spaghetti: what communication issues I said the truth

\-----

_ Pretzel exist _

Oyster: !!!!!!!!!!!!!sorry Mommy

Pretzel: well somebody's suspicious

Oyster: no, this is just an ordinary blue rock that serves totally no purpose to the plot

\-----

Surstromming: you want flour?

_ Pretzel's contempt can be physically heard by oyster _

Oyster: !!!!!!!!!!

Surstromming: BY THE WAY IM STILL SINGLE bc my last gf just died ;) *hands phone number to pretzel*

_ Pretzel shoots the paper and accidentally discover all the corpses in the garden _

Oyster: oh wow you're useful for something after all

Surstromming: ok I'm not going to help you then >:(

Oyster: wdym

_ Corpse comes alive _

Pretzel: uh let's keep walking

Surstromming: wanna fuck?

Pretzel: no

Oyster: you two walk too slowly

\-----

_ Hoospital _

Oyster get shot

Oyster: >:000000000!!!!!!!!!!?!?!!Nani???!??!?

Pretzel uses her buff arms and bridal carried oyster

Oyster:SCREEEEEEEE PUT ME SKAKASW DODDNWNNN!!!!?!????????!!!!!!!!!!!!

pretzel: no

Oyster: WHY YOU-

Black Pudding is eating popcorn on the side watching all this

The power of dead memes suddenly healed oyster, but they were all into lolicon, so pretzel ripped oyster's pants off

Oyster:!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pretzel: shut up 

Black pudding walks IN

Black Pudding: ooooo mommy I didn't know this was something you're into ;)

Pretzel: wanna throw hands?

Black pudding pulls out a stack of uno cards

Black Pudding: you're on

They proceeded to play for 30 minutes since oyster can't put on some pants by herself

\-----

Black pudding pulls out a bomb from one of his uno cards

Black Pudding: boom perish

Pretzel: no

Oyster: OMG is there some tea you two aren't telling me????????

Pretzel: I don't like him, and he doesn't like me, I killed his daddy

\-----

Ball

Pretzel: you scared?

Oyster: NO IM NOT UGH YOU JUST DONT GET ME MOMMY HOW DARE YOU JUST ASSUME MY FEELINGS 

Oyster: you scared >:((((((

Oyster:(ugh I can't have a conversation with this woman)

Stargazey waltz in

Stargazey: ur mom likes me better than you :)

Oyster and Stargazey starts to slap and throwing hands

Pretzel: kids these days, freaking millennials

Borscht and Pasta were watching this

Borscht: spaghetti, control your children

Spaghetti: they're your kids too

Surstromming came in and heard kids

Surstromming: are they…. TOGETHER???*sharpens sword*(stolen from donut)

Spaghetti: stahp

Oyster and Stargazey stahps

They all went to the throne room thingie

Spaghetti: do you want to leave >_>

Oyster:.........

Spaghetti: OH I GET IT leave

Everyone gasped and started to observe very closely

Oyster: :/

Oyster punch and chokes spaghetti

Black forest cake: _ Naruto _

Oyster: you saucey bastard!!! Can't even use freaking punctuation!!!!! LEarn!!!!!!! REEEEEEEEE ur not my mommy anymore >>>>>>>>>::;::;;::((((((

Spaghetti: :0

Spaghetti: ohohohohoho

Spaghetti: OGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO

SPAGHETTI: OGOGOHHOGOOGGOGHOOGHOGOHOGOHOHOHOHOGOHOGOGOHOHOHOHO

_ fruit tart felt very threatened despite being very far away _

Oyster: TF what?

Pretzel: aight that's enough drama for today

Spaghetti: hey Mommy pretzel looks like she's chosen me ;)

Pretzel: I'm going to kidnap your daughter

_ Even though he was every far away, tiramisu felt that _

Castle goes boom 

\-----

Black Pudding: *smiles*

Oyster: yett

Black pudding: are you the kin of person who holds a grudge? I saw you work with mommy today, I thought you were a forgiving person 

Oyster: GASP, LET GO OF ME, I'M NOT GOING TO FORGET THAT YOU TRIED TO KILL ME 

balck pudding: oh but when PRETZEL rips your clothes you're ok with it but when I rip your clothes IM a criminal?? This is double standards

Spaghetti:  _ y'all hear something _

Black Pudding: OH but I'll NEVER tell ANYONE that you're WEARING PRETZEL'S CLOTHES RIGHT NOW

Spaghetti: STRIP YOU SHRIMP

Oyster: NU IM GOING TO BE NAK

Spaghetti:  _ h e h _

\----end----


	2. I.Mistake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Surströmming genderbend AU backstory chapter 1, rewritten to be less problematic.   
Written entirely by @shardfusion on Tumblr, please go follow her!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please wait for pretzströmming, it's been written,don't worry

I. Mistake

It’s easy to get entranced in a jewel, tilting your gaze back and forth and watching the glinting of light. Is it not possible, though, that you will end up wasting your time? It’s not hard to find beauty in any jewel, but obviously there is always a more beautiful one than the one you are observing.

The man I called “Master Attendant” was a noble from a long line of aristocrats. Since it’s a shame for a high-ranking family to not have a Cooking Attendant in their ranks, everyone was glad when he was able to summon me. Because of this, I was always allowed to do anything I wanted. Still, I’d always bow to my Master’s will and keep the secrets he confided in me.  
From his youth, I was there with him, and I grew attached to his goodheartedness.  
Watching the noble power plays, I hoped that he would never be like that.

Even though we were clearly close, his family would insist in particular at certain events that I should stay close to him, so that everyone else could see that they had a Cooking Attendant in their bloodline.  
Humans seem so intent on appearances.  
As a Food Soul, I didn’t have any worries or cares such as those.

So as long as I was able to live luxuriously with my Master, I was content.  
I have met many people who use alcohol to inhibit their anxieties and despairing moments. However, during a certain party held by my Master, there wasn’t anything I needed to forget or erase. My drunken action was still regrettable.

My Master Attendant’s wife was a beautiful woman, and many had proposed to her before my Master‘s family made a suitable offer.  
She had striking green eyes that seemed more like jewels than organs, and as I looked into them that day, the surrounding din of the party fell away. Any distrust I’d had of her disappeared.  
“Surströmming…”  
Seeing her sweet expression and hearing how her voice became completely different from her usual demure and cold self, I didn’t feel in control of myself any more. It was like my subconscious had taken control, and I let it do as it wished.  
Her cold hand took mine, and she led me to her room.  
Once our hands touched, it was like she seared every line of her flesh into my own. I can’t forget the sensation.

She reached for the top button of my suit, no, for my heart.  
A flash of golden light erupted, and with a cry, I stumbled back. When I looked up at her from where I’d crashed against the wall, I saw golden liquid dripping from her hand, and dizzily saw that the same stuff was all over me. As it began to dissipate, I realized it must be my soul.

“He’s mine, Surströmming. So you shouldn’t have done more than what you have the right to, but I don’t need to feel jealous anymore. You won’t be able to do anything to him soon.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How do I.....put stuff in queue


	3. II.Curse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2 of Surströmming  
He's one handsome lad

II. Curse

“Surströmming? What was that look on your face just now?”

My Master tilted his head at me, and I rushed to pull out a smile.

“Nothing, I was just… thinking.”

I’m not that good of an actor, but my handsome face makes up for it.

Unaware of those events, he believed my lies, and had no reason to suspect anything.

What actually happened was that I had one of those strange episodes I’d been experiencing ever since that party. For a minute, I was struck with a sudden sense of confusion. I felt so disoriented, as if I was no longer myself. There was a hazy question I needed to have answered, but I was so out of it I didn’t even know the words to the question.

That was odd, but what really disturbed me was that scales began to grow from my skin. Little trickles of blood would seep out from my skin, and one day as I stared at the scales I concluded it was a curse.

The next time I was able to catch my Master’s wife alone, I tried to get her to lift the curse. For all my pleading, she would only tell me how to break it myself.

“Find your own true love, and then you can be free.”

“I wasn’t— I wasn’t trying to—“

It was useless.

No one would have believed me about what was happening.

Who would expect Master Attendant to believe me over his own wife?

The obvious explanation was that I was turning into a Fallen Angel the ordinary way, no curse needed.  
Then, I would have been killed.

It only got worse with time. Sometimes, when I happened to pass by a mirror, I would see the irises of my eyes nearly twitch, turning briefly from azure to gold. Also, my mind was slowly seeming to become a different entity from myself. It was as if there was a separate me, the curse, which was wrestling away my control of myself, and made me think all sorts of nasty things I didn’t want to dwell on.

I didn’t want to hurt anyone.

I wanted Master Attendant to be happy, and I wanted to be by his side.

I had foolishly let his wife hurt me in an attempt to manipulate him, and I didn’t want him to come to any harm.

Those were the useless thoughts I repeated in a brain which nearly no longer belonged to me as I ran, and ran, and ran.

I cannot run away from the progression of time, which as a Food Soul it should be my natural right to be free of, and I cannot run away from my own wrongdoing.  
Dimly, I was aware of my actions.

I couldn’t stop.

I couldn’t stop myself.

There was no way for me to marshal the will to defy the curse.

When I regained my senses, bitter tears flowed from my eyes, and I couldn’t tell the difference between my own blood and that of the others.

“Master Attendant… Master Attendant…”

If I can’t escape what I did, I can step towards it instead.


	4. III. Imprisonment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lol is this straight enough for tungle yet  
Pretzel and Canele are here  
TF is a holy see, I only know the Vatican  
Pretzströmming  
Also spaghetti

III. Imprisonment

Somebody grabbed me roughly, and I turned to see a blonde woman with cold blue eyes. The blood on my hands smearing onto her chains and the gauntlet on her hand was the last thing I saw before I collapsed.  
When I woke up, I was chained up in a candlelit prison cell.

I could hear two voices talking near me.

Finally, they emerged. It was the woman who I had seen back at the mansion and a man holding a thick book. This man had a spirit floating vaguely around him, barely perceivable. It was obvious that they were both Food Souls.

“Should I leave now?” This voice seemed to come from the spirit rather than the Food Soul’s body.

“Yes. I will handle this. Return to Covenant now, don’t keep troubling yourself with this.”

From that moment forward, my life would never return to normal.

For mass murder, I became a prisoner of the Vatican.  
This seemed an especially cruel thing to me who was suddenly running out of time.

Time should not be an issue for Food Souls.

We live forever, and there is little that shouldn’t come to pass over time.

Because of the curse that was slowly corrupting the remains of my soul, it would only be a matter of waiting before the darkness consumed me. Every day, I felt scales pushing their way through, cutting through blood vessels and forcing out their contents to make room for the reminders of my crimes.

There was still someone who kept me from accelerating the process and freeing myself the only way I could from prison.

That priestess who had apprehended me on the day of the murders, Pretzel, was the only person at the church I came to like.

Even though little emotion ever showed in her frosty gaze and serious tone, the littlest things made me feel like I was starting to understand her.

What a joke. There was no way I could do that.  
I couldn’t possibly understand that austere nature so dissimilar to mine.

The times she bandaged the wounds cropping up on my skin— her hands were so cold at first I thought they were warm.

Late one night, I was woken up by the loud creaking of metal scraping against the floor. A jingle of keys sounded, and I hastily got to my feet as someone lit a candle on the wall and walked into my cell.

In the flickering light, I could see a woman with crimson hair holding a huge fork. There wasn’t a trace of goodwill or humor in her arrogant smile.

“You must be the ‘monster’ they’re keeping here. Why don’t you leave with me, and we’ll strike a deal?”

“...Who are you?”

“My name is Spaghetti, I’m quite surprised that you didn’t just kill these church people yet.”

I had no response.

The solemn halls of the church were intimidating in the cold night, and I breathed a sigh of relief when 

Spaghetti pulled me through the heavy wooden doors. In the light of the stars and the moon, I could see her more clearly.

“I came to this place for someone else, but I’m not disappointed to meet you.” She put her hand on my shoulder and looked straight into my eyes. “I’m in the business of granting wishes, so if you’d like to work with me, maybe that little curse of yours can be broken.”

I flinched when she mentioned my curse, and it didn’t go unnoticed by her.

“If I’m going to cooperate with you, what do you want?”

“I believe in fighting fire with fire. I won’t mince my words, I need someone to be my executioner.”

I shoved her hand off me. “Then find someone else. There’s no one I want dead for myself, and no one I’d kill for you.”

That smile briefly disappeared off her face, only to be replaced by a sinister smirk.

“Really? Well, then, let’s meet in the future, and you can reconsider my offer.”

By then, I was already running away yet again.


	5. IV. Flower

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Firsh and chrips

IV. Flower  
A long time passed, and I had almost gotten Spaghetti out of my mind. After ending up in a small town where no one knew about the murders, I started a flower shop and began to live a peaceful ordinary life.

The progression of the curse seemed to have nearly halted, and I thought that I’d managed to escape. I didn’t pay any attention to the way I’d sometimes lose track of time until I started noticing that many of the young women I took a fancy to were going missing. The more this happened, the lovelier my flowers were.  
I had not escaped the curse after all.

I could only bury my lovers and wait for a new chance.  
At least I always had my beautiful flowers to keep me company.

One day, someone new to the town came through and stopped at my flower shop.

“...Would you happen to know anything about the recent missing persons cases?”

What an annoying interruption in my little quest.

Even though I deflected all the questions of this Fish and Chips, she clearly wasn’t satisfied with my lies.  
Like I said, I’ve always been a bad actor.

One night when the moon was nearly as bright as the sun, I was walking on an oceanside cliff with a girl I needed to bury.

Why wasn’t she the one who would break my curse?  
How come I could never find that person?

I pondered those questions as I resigned my autonomy to the curse which was no longer completely its own entity— I was this curse now.

The evil was in me until it was me.

The knife was sharp and the light of the judging moon glinted off its blade like a beacon as I drove it into her neck, and I thought about “fighting fire with fire” and chuckled quietly as she lay limp in my arms.

This late, it shouldn’t have been hard to get the corpse back to the flower shop unnoticed.

That meddling young lady really had to ruin it and remind me of what I’d become.

When I will encounter her again is unknown, but when Fish and Chips sees me again, she needs to watch out.  
Yet as the fall from the cliff knocked the breath out of my lungs, I could only think about how my so-called ordinary life had become the most dangerous I’d lived.


	6. V. Surströmming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last part of Surströmming , a certain angery shellfish might be next

V. Surströmming  
The water was blacker than the night sky, and when Surströmming came to, the salt of the ocean stung his wounds. He lied on the sand, feeling the waves flow over him, and in his mind he laughed bitterly to himself.

This was the opening for the curse that was clogging up his blood vessels and slowly marching towards his heart and the remainders of his soul.

If this is where I disappear, that’s alright…

It was inevitable.

It was fate.

But… I’m not dead yet…

The light of the coastal town fractured in the water over his eyes, and when the wave receded, Surströmming saw a figure approaching him. He closed his eyes in resignation and surrender, but just a second later he sensed a bright light even through his closed eyelids, and felt a warmth like fire that went straight to his soul.

Someone pulled him from the sand and saltwater. His wounds were repairing, the torn flesh stitching itself back together with dull pricks of pain.

Even the corruption in his soul was driven back a bit from the Soul Power that was like pure sunlight.  
When Surströmming opened his eyes, he wasn’t that surprised.

In his heart, he had known they would cross paths again.

Maybe he had even been looking forward to it.

“So we are meeting again… using your own soul to heal me… I didn’t take you for such a caring person. Or is this because it’s me?”

Her eyes were filled with malice that he ignored as he took her hands.

“Like I said, my offer still stands.”

“How can I refuse such a beautiful lady?”

**Author's Note:**

> Pretzel is cheating on Canele with Surströmming


End file.
